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I Have A Big Head by: Kai

I Have A Big Head by: Kai

I have a big head I have always had to augment eye glasses I have purchased to accommodate my large head. I wear my hair fluffy and unkempt to camouflage the unyielding girth. My neck aches just thinking about it. At small boutique shops clerks have similar apologies about having to send for a specialty catalog that will take extra time to process so I would need to come back in a number of weeks. Most of the time I get a style I like with a metal bridge and bend it out a little. I returned some thick black plastic framed glasses to one store because they came back too tight, the arms of the glasses gripping my temples for dear life.The clerk heated the plastic frames up in a weird hot sand dish and bent them for me until they were somewhat wearable. Not this time! I wanted service. I went to Lens Crafters, a name thrown around in commercials in the 90s but not so much anymore as they've been an American staple for years. I had never been to a Lens Crafters. I had passed them a dozen times in malls and strip malls and outdoor malls, but they seemed too main stream. I went to a Lens Crafters in a local mall, had my eyes examined by a nice young doctor. He was knowledgeable and receptive to my quip “with all the advances in technology they still have to do that test where they blast air into your eye to make sure it won't pop right there on the spot.” The doctor mentioned the way they tested for that previously was to lay you down and balance a weight on your eye, but the newer machines use a probe to touch your eye, which apparently you cannot even see or feel. He even emailed me the cool looking high res image they took of my retina. Afterward, new prescription in hand I strolled over to the sales side of the store and glanced longingly at the rows of fashionable designer brand glasses I had always been denied. This got the attention of a helpful salesperson who engaged me straight away. She smiled and asked if she could see my current set of glasses and began squinting for a size code. I had them specialty ordered online.

The salesperson made a little sad resigned tone under her breath.
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Kai: What?
Salesperson: These are size 59s
Kai: Oh, ok.
Salesperson: We only carry up to size 57.
Kai: So, not a pair in the store?
Salesperson: Not any of our stores sir. Also, you might be size 60 or 61.
Kai: Oh.
Salesperson: Once years ago when I started, I saw a pair of 58s. Just the one pair, no one ever explained it, and I never saw another. ((She said this in hushed tones usually reserved for discussing Bigfoot sightings in mixed company))
Kai: Could I order a specialty set online? Salesperson: No. I'm sorry but no.
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I am immediately reminded of High school where I had a nickname for having a large gourd. "Head" Just that. I had a big head. As pejorative nicknames go, at least it was accurate. But anything can make you self conscious in high school. Thinking about it now, this was pretty tame and I should have run with it. My wife felt so badly for me, she took to Google and texted me a link to something called B.M.E.C. saying they have a full range of styles to accommodate my ample noggin. I quickly came to see that B.M.E.C. actually stands for BIG MENS EYEWEAR CLUB.

So it has come to this. I am shopping for eyeglasses at a big and tall outlet. This is one of those moments when you realize something about yourself the world has known about you for years. This dissonance is unsettling, and it is odd the realization did not come earlier. But it still feels like I am being told I can’t go to prom because they do not make dresses in my size, and its the 1950s and instead they hand me an application to work on a farm where I have to fashion a muumuu I made myself out of potato sacks. Just accept it. You are you, and that is ok. They actually do have some nice frames on B.M.E.C. I selected a nice Nylon semi-rimless in a matte black. But then noticed there was no way to purchase them. I sent an email to their customer service.
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To: custserv Subj: How do I order glasses? I don't see a clear button on the website catalog to actually order the glasses. How does one initiate an order? Thanks k
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To: Kai Subj: Re:How do I order glasses? Dear Kai, We are an optical wholesaler, therefore we do not sell directly to the public. Sincerely Rosa Customer Service Representative
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Utter defeat. This is bias! The last living (known) Nazi in the US is in Brooklyn, he was being protested daily on his doorstep. I bet he could get glasses no problem. War criminals walk the earth with fewer impediments than mine to eyewear selection. Of course, I should see this as something unique, like being extra tall or a synesthete or having a club foot, I am unique! I realize in the grand scheme of things this is not that big an issue. I’m not fleeing from a predator drone at Pakistani wedding, or live in Flint. I am privileged in that way. This is a first world problem, but also reader, YOU are biased. Yeah i said it. You are ignorant of your normalcy privilege, so enjoy it. Your normality of head size, you do not even know how lucky you have it. So think twice before judging me. Don’t even get me started on hats. It is just sweat and constriction.

Even baseball caps with adjustable snappies. My cap is always on the solitary last tang, hair billowing out the sides, the back of cap arms, quivering and forming stress fractures grasping that last snap hole as I am trying to play softball. You normies don’t know what it is like. Geez, I am just trying to order some glasses. We have 3d printers and an upcoming mission to Mars and drones that fly shit to your door but I can't get any god damn glasses. So I figure I'll just get the same pair I got last time from the online retailer, Warby Parker. Free try-ons at home, free shipping, low prices. Browsing on over to Warby Parker I am dismayed to find that they change out style every few months so I can't find the frames that I currently have. I jump into their live chat feature. Live chat customer service has come a long way. It is pretty quick and efficient these days. Here is a transcript:
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Kai: Hey, do you have any size 59 glasses? From You at 12:13 PM
Hugh has joined the chat
Hi Kai! Let me check on that for you From Hughat 12:15 PM
Thaks From You at 12:15 PM
Thanks From You at 12:16 PM
so I believe our widest frame at the moment has a lens width of 57 mm From Hughat 12:16 PM
Those are the Moore frames warbyparker.com/eyeglasses/men/moore/sandalwood-matte And the Lowry frames warbyparker.com/eyeglasses/men/lowry/jet-black-fade From Hughat 12:17 PM
But my head is wider than that... From You at 12:17 PM
sorry about that Kai! Often times a frame adjustment after you receive those glasses can help a frame fit wider From Hughat 12:18 PM
Can you recommend a place that can accommodate the broad noggin'd individual? From You at 12:19 PM
haha ... hmm not entirely sure From Hughat 12:20 PM
alrighty, have a good one From You at 12:21 PM
ok! Happy hunting :)\ From Hughat 12:21 PM
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I remember a story from my family, when I was 2 years old I was leaning over a pond while we were in Japan and losing balance and tipping in to terrify the resident Koi. My sister had to come fish me out. At 3 I remember being in a canoe on lake Merced in San Francisco, leaning over the side and falling into the water and having to be pulled out of the water. Yes I was wearing a life vest. (Are you sensing a pattern?) At four sitting in a Radio Flyer wagon being pulled towards Mountain Lake Park and I leaned too far over the side and sure enough I went ass over tea kettle onto the ground surely causing all kinds of traumatic brain injury. So since the beginning I’ve lived with this pumpkin head, and am finally acknowledging my side-show wonder. Luckily at a random eyeglass store, I did eventually find a dusty frame set of 59s high on a shelf that were not bad. I ordered them immediately. Also regards to my mom. Home birth, no meds. k

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